I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
