Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I have already put on my inside pants.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
