nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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