thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Randomize
