the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
