This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Randomize
