how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
