Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
