never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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