she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
