I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
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