Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
