his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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