The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
