I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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