Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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