There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
