i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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