I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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