I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
