life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
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............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore