I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.