some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
