You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
