Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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