The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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