i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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