I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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