I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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