she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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