I just cut my nipple shaving
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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