i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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