just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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