Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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