Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
