I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
