Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
