He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Randomize
