Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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