I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
