I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
