I'm lost and stupid without you.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Randomize
