Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
