I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
