seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
