Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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