i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
