So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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