My hair reeks of homosexuality.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
