if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
