I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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