I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
