I can text with my tongue
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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