WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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