The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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