I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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