My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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