The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
