i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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