I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize