Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
